In the economy of modern life, everything can feel like a transaction—emails for favors, invitations with strings, friendships that function like networking extensions.
But not all relationships are created equal, and Arthur Brooks, the social scientist and author known for blending wisdom and data, draws a sharp line between two types: real friends and deal friends.
This distinction isn’t just about who shows up at your party. It’s about your well-being. It’s about happiness. And it’s about health in the truest, most human sense.
Real Friends vs. Deal Friends
Deal friends are the people we orbit because of what they offer us—access, influence, mutual benefit, shared goals. These are your colleagues, professional contacts, PTA allies, or social media acquaintances who engage because there is something in it for them.
Real friends, by contrast, love you for no reason at all. Even when it's inconvenient. They show up when it’s messy. They’re the people who know the song in your soul and sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words.
Arthur Brooks puts it simply: Real friends are useless—they do nothing for you but love you.
And that “nothing” turns out to be everything.
The Health Benefits of Real Friendship
Harvard’s long-running Study of Adult Development—one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies on well-being—found that close relationships are the strongest predictor of long-term happiness. Not money. Not fame. Not even health habits in isolation. Relationships.
But not just any relationships. The depth and authenticity of your connections matter.
Here’s what research tells us about the benefits of real friendship:
Emotional Regulation: Real friends help you process stress. Just talking to someone who loves you calms the brain.
Physical Health: People with strong social ties have lower blood pressure, stronger immune systems, and longer lifespans and healthspans.
Mental Well-being: Real friendships reduce the risk of anxiety and depression—and increase a sense of meaning.
Resilience: When life knocks you down, it’s not your résumé or your reputation that lifts you—it’s your people.
Having real friends isn’t a luxury. It’s a vital sign, right along with body temp, blood pressure, and pulse rate.
Why Deal Friends Leave You Drained
This isn’t a call to ditch your professional, transactional, or circumstantial connections. Deal friends have their place—they’re part of the social web. The danger comes when we confuse deal friends for real ones.
Because when things fall apart, a deal friend will probably vanish. If the relationship is rooted only in mutual benefit, when that benefit disappears, so too will the bond.
Worse, maintaining only transactional relationships leaves us relationally exhausted. You’re always performing, proving, providing. It’s a constant social calorie burn—with none of the nourishment.
How to Find—or Be—a Real Friend
We don’t need hundreds. We need three. Or maybe one. But to have real friends, we often need to make the first move.
So, start with these questions:
Who do I love for no reason?
Who loves me even when I have nothing to offer?
Who do I trust with my silence, not just my stories?
Because here’s the good news: friendship isn't just something you had or didn’t have in high school. You can grow it now. You can deepen it today. And there's no time like the present to begin.
Last Word
Being with friends is not something to do when the to-do list is done. It is the to-do list. Or, at least, it should be pretty high on the list. A meaningful life doesn’t come from accumulating wealth, collecting achievements, or developing contacts. It comes from showing up for others, with love, and letting others show up for you.
So call the friend who loves you when you’re cranky. Make space for a walk that doesn’t have a point. Laugh. Cry. Sit in silence. And take your time.
Because friendship doesn’t need to be efficient. It just needs to be real.
🪞SOUL PROMPTS
Who in your life feels like a “real friend”? How do you know?
Have you been giving most of your time to deal friends? What would it look like to rebalance?
What small act could you do this week to nourish a real friendship—without needing anything in return?
🌱 SOUL PRACTICE
Reach out to a real friend this week, just because. Not to catch up. Not to achieve something. Just to be together.
Audit your social circle gently. Notice where you feel the need to perform. Then notice where you feel relief.
Be the friend you want to find. Lead with presence. With time. With nothing to prove.
